I've always had high self-esteem but what is my self-worth like? Are they even different? I think I have an ego that is slightly larger than most (or maybe I'm just comfortable with myself) but I don't know how much I think I'm worth. What I have learned in the last month or so is that just because someone else gave up on me doesn't mean that I should give up on myself. I don't know how it happened but at some point I started caring about the price tag that other people put on me and forgot that I decide my own worth. I may have been worth losing to one person but I'm stuck with myself so I can't treat myself like I'm worth losing. Of course I didn't get depressed and start thinking I'm horrible and ugly and despicable, but I had a few moments where I lost my footing and forgot where I was standing. I think the problem is that when you're a person like me who usually cares so little about how other people view me, when you start listening to one person their vote counts so much more. It's great that I've learned to care about how people feel about me but I should never let anyone's vote count more than my own.
It's amazing how much this realization has helped me accomplish. I have decided on a career path and I've already started taking the first few steps of my journey. I think when someone else gives up on you it is a lot more obvious because you get to see them do it but when you give up on yourself sometimes it's not so obvious. I don't think until this moment that I really ever thought about being sad or unmotivated as giving up on myself but that is exactly what I did. I can't believe that I let someone else make me feel like I'm unworthy but I betrayed myself even worse when I treated myself that way too. I guess the moral of the story is "one man's trash is another man's treasure." I doubt that I am as bad as trash to anyone (fingers crossed) but at times I've felt like I just got tossed to the side like a candy wrapper. For some reason, feeling like a candy wrapper has more of a lasting effect on me than when someone thinks I'm worth my weight in gold. I just have to shrug that wrapper feeling off my shoulder and keep on walking because I have so much to offer the world. I can't wait to start a new chapter of my life where I focus on my aspirations and how to embrace my talents instead of just thinking I seem great but have little worth.
This probably isn't the most organized or poetic my thoughts have ever been but I haven't felt this calm in a while and I am happy to write it all down, as sloppy and melodramatic as it seems. I missed my blog and I missed caring about my writing. I missed seeing my future clearly and I missed working hard for it.