Reflecting on Love

2/28/19

Do you ever miss your ex for the stupidest reasons? I just made a burrito for dinner and all the proportions were off. I thought to myself, “Well if Karl were here, I’d at least have tortilla chips in the house to eat the rest of this guacamole” and “If Karl were here, he would have bought the right kind of onion and cut the right amount.”

A sadder version of the same feeling: a few weeks ago I got home from the gym feeling really emotional. So as I was showering afterward I thought about how I wished I had a robe. Why didn’t I already have a robe? What did I used to use when I needed one? Then I remembered I used to use Karl’s robe when I was cold. I started crying thinking about it. I missed that robe so much in that moment that I just broke down into tears.

3/9/19

I believe it’s true what they all say, “you have to want to wake up next to that person for the rest of your life.”

Some of the happiest moments of my life were with Karl but I wouldn’t say I was generally happy with our relationship. I cried a lot back then, I had panic attacks, I was tortured by thoughts that I wasn’t good enough, that he didn’t really love me enough. It wasn’t a good relationship but I think it could have been because I really did love him.

I know I loved him because every morning when I woke up and rolled over to see his face I never once didn’t want him to be there or wished he were someone else. When I would come home from work and he’d be gone doing something fun, I would be hurt, but the next morning I was still glad to wake up next to him.

He slept on his back a lot, no pillow, just flat. Or if he was on his side I’d make out the constellations in birth marks on his back. There’s something special about memorizing the body lying next to you. There’s something sad about waking up next to a different horizon.

Winter Wisdom

Summer child,

Born under Leo stars

In the north,

Moved down south

Then further south

Only to return,

Confused. 

A sideways wood chipper?

No, a snowblower.

Kids

If you keep your mind open you will capture some wisdom from every experience you have, it just may not always be clear until time helps the picture develop. For the past year or so I’ve been watching my niece on and off, lately I’ve been watching her full time, Monday through Friday. In this case, it already seems clear to me what I should take away from this experience: My heart is bigger than I thought it was and I need to find somewhere meaningful to direct all this love.

I get emotional thinking about my niece. My heart breaks when I see her have anything but perfect interactions with other kids. I’m terrified to let her go to daycare instead of staying with me all day. I want to shelter her from the bad parts of the world and teach her everything I know. I want to give her outlets for creative expression and I don’t want anyone to push her to be anything she doesn’t want to be. I want to teach her proper manners and I want her to learn how to communicate her feelings. I want her to eat better and I want to discipline her gently and with patience. I want to put her hair up in the perfect pony tail and I want to put her hearing aid in without the battery on and not turn it on until it’s in exactly right so she doesn’t ever hear any feedback.

When I want to cry because another little girl doesn’t want to hold her hand, somewhere in the back of my mind I know that this over-protective energy is a little misdirected. I love my niece but until I started caring for her every day, I didn’t realize just how much I need kids of my own. I won’t say want because I don’t feel that way. It’s not a choice, I don’t really want the responsibility of kids and I don’t want the pressure of finding the right person to have them with. Caring for someone else is instinctual for me. When I don’t have someone to direct my love toward I get anxious, angry, and sad.

Having kids scares me, terrifies me. Wanting to have kids makes me feel even lonelier as a single person. Looking forward to having kids makes me invested in something that may not ever happen for me. But, I think it’s something I need. I think it’s something the world needs: for people who care to raise little humans who care too.

I had a dream right before Christmas that was so real that I woke up feeling all the emotions of the dream. I woke up at 4 am full of adrenaline and couldn’t fall back asleep so I texted everything in the dream to my friend and then saved screenshots of the conversation so I wouldn’t forget. The dream started out as all dreams do, a little weird and nonsensical and involving random people I used to know. Then my cousin shows up to tell me I’m late for Christmas Eve dinner. When we walked into the house I saw my great aunt and my grandmother who passed away right before Thanksgiving.

I walked in and kissed my great aunt first because I was confused about how my grandmother was there or if I was imagining it. I knew in the dream that she was not alive and it didn’t make sense for her to be there but I went to my grandmother next. As I leaned down to kiss her on the cheek she whispered into my ear, “Your daughter is beautiful.” I was so scared and confused I started hyperventilating in the dream and ran away. My mom came to me and asked, “Did she touch you?” So I told her yes and what she said. I woke up breathing heavy and scared and had to turn on the lights.

Of course I know dreams aren’t necessarily messages from God, visions of the future, or anything like that. I ate a lot of spicy food right before bed and maybe that’s why I had such a vivid dream. But I had also recently asked for a sign from my grandma. What I got wasn’t exactly what I asked for but it woke me up in more ways than one. Regardless of what caused the dream, it made the possibility of me having a family feel realer to me than it had before.