You know in movies when someone gets possessed or switches bodies or something and they freeze up for a second and then you see something come out of their mouth like a little wisp of smoke? They have something crazy wrong with them and then after a creepy version of a burp everything is fine again and they hug their family and apologize because learned their lesson about whatever it is they did wrong. Well I think I just had one of those moments. I hope nothing alive came out of my mouth but if it's possible to feel like I just got metaphorically exorcised, then that's what happened.
Lately I have been thinking differently. I remember junior year of high school I had a similar experience. I spent the whole year thinking non-stop about college and my future. Now, here I am, a junior again, a year away from graduating from college and I can't stop thinking about applying to summer publishing institutes and hoping I can save enough money to move to New York and make something of myself. I've spent a lot of my life dreaming about a husband and kids and a cookie-cutter house on a large plot of land and a couple of dogs and a cat and... well you get the idea, but something amazing has been happening lately: I'm not worried about that. I'm focused on graduation and I think I finally figured out what I want to do with my life and I've found a sense of peace from that that I haven't felt in a while.
I was just sitting here watching Say Yes to the Dress and I felt a little chill and some tightness in my chest like I was upset, but I wasn't. I just exhaled and it was gone. I kind of want to change the channel. I know, I know, ridiculous right? So much has changed about me in the past few months but somehow I feel more myself than I have in a long, long time. I feel like I sort of know where I want to go but at the same time I'm not sure how I'm going to get there or if I'll change my mind. I just feel at home in the uncertainty. It might sound crazy but I really think that being a little lost on this giant planet is exactly what I need right now. Whether I'm ready or not, life is going to change in a year and I can either embrace the bumps and go for a ride or I can get stuck in the mud because I stalled out.
