25 has been a crazy year. I really thought I’d be writing something much different about it but nothing about this year has been what I expected it to be.
Last year I planned to kick off 25 with a birthday hike. I wanted to wake up on the morning of my birthday in a beautiful place and come home triumphant with a picture of myself on the edge of the world. On the drive up my best friend was having painful cramps and we soon realized she was losing her first pregnancy only a few weeks in. We still went hiking, maybe to prove a point, maybe to salvage the trip, maybe to make her feel better, maybe to make me feel better, but we did it. Then we came home early.
So, on my 25th birthday, I was at home, confused about how to feel.
I had been so scared leading up to that birthday. I thought 25 was the beginning of the end, the first year of being officially old, the end of my youth. There’s no going back. Time keeps moving as much as I wish it would slow down.
Earlier that year I’d gone through an odd break up that was supposed to be mutual, but as it turns out, my heart doesn’t think so. I thought things were difficult but we’d get through it and move on slowly, then he suddenly ran away to Asia for 4 months.
Between being sad and single and scared out of my mind about turning 25 I fell hard into my quarter-life crisis. I started to plan how I was going to change my life, travel more, and work less. I made plans to go to Asia with a friend in November, and just had to work up the guts to actually quit my job and go.
Right after my birthday trip, I returned to work to be scolded for a long list of things I’d apparently been doing wrong for the past 2 years. I was infuriated for a lot of reasons but mostly because I had been feeling so nervous and guilty knowing that I was quitting soon to start traveling. Then I was suddenly in a position where I wanted to quit right that second. I sucked it up and kept working another month until I got the opportunity to leave.
At the end of September my sister was going to Utah for a month and invited me to drive across the country with her and stay the month while watching my niece for her. I saw more of the country in that trip than I ever had before. We drove through 7 states, stopped in 3 national parks, and even spent a night in Las Vegas.
My sister was in medical school at the time, and we started making plans. I would watch the baby when I could so she wouldn’t always been in daycare, she would pay me and let me live with her, and I would move with them to whichever city she ended up getting assigned her medical residency. It wasn’t hard for me to love Salt Lake City, I already loved so many other cities on her list, and I loved spending time with my niece, so I was happy with this deal.
After I got back from Utah I started getting ready for my next big trip. I was going to meet my friend in Bangkok, Thailand after he finished his 2 year service in the Peace Corps in November. We planned a 5 week trip to Thailand, Cambodia, Japan, and Hawaii. To summarize: I traveled a part of the world I had never been remotely near and learned a lot about what I’m capable of. I plan on going back to Southeast Asia as soon as I have money again and staying even longer.
I flew back on Christmas Eve and got to spend it with my family. The next few months I moved back and forth between Gainesville to babysit and Melbourne to relax at home. I explored some cool areas of Florida and visited family in New York. I planned to hike a few weeks on the Appalachian trail alone and chickened out because of the weather (and my often-crippling fear of being alone).
In April I planned a road trip to Texas with a friend but he had to back out last minute. I spent days trying to convince myself to go alone. I didn’t want to chicken out of another thing I wanted to do so badly. So, I just went for it. It was a bit chaotic, at times boring, but I had a great time and spent quality time with good friends in great cities.
In May I set off on another big trip, this time with my family. I spent 4 weeks in Europe: Portugal, Spain, France, Italy, Ireland, and Czech Republic. Most of the time we were in Italy, visiting places we’ve been before, exploring new areas, and visiting distant relatives in the home my great grandfather was born in.
Toward the end of my trip, someone I idolized died, not passively, he killed himself, and I felt like I was on the verge of bursting into tears for 2 days. (What’s the point of me pushing myself to travel the world, face my fears, and live the life I’ve always imagined if I could live that dream life and still be destroyed from the inside?) But I cried and I ate good food and I drank good wine and I went back to traveling and appreciating the opportunity I had to see the world with people I love.
When I got back I started to prepare to move, somewhat reluctantly. My sister had gotten assigned to work in New York, on Long Island, where my entire family is from. I thought I was going somewhere new but instead I was going somewhere old, somewhere I had been many times. I didn’t want to leave Florida either. I love it there and I loved somebody there. I went anyway, I needed to make a change, and I knew I should spend time with my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins in New York while I have the opportunity to.
I went to see my best friend before I left, and her new baby boy, proof that life comes around full circle. She got pregnant again not too long after our trip and now there’s a brand new person in the world, figuring everything out the way we all do.
So here I am, in my new bedroom on Long Island, over-explaining the year I was 25 and worrying about what 26 will challenge me to. This year has been more of a ride than I ever could have expected, but it was a hell of a lot more interesting than sitting at a desk the whole year I was 24.
At 25 I got to quit my office job. I traveled to 8 different countries. I went to more national parks than I ever had. I loved and lost the same person about a hundred times (and it doesn’t seem to hurt any less each time). I moved to a new state. I made new friends. I reconnected with old friends. I got to spend more time with my nieces than I have in years. I gained a nephew. I realized I had let myself idolize someone for the first time in my life as I lost them. I was genuinely happy for significant portions of this past year. I thought 25 was old, but now I’m 26 and I’m still growing… like literally, I keep going up shoe sizes.
I’ve let myself be sad for the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling lonely, I’m running out of money, and I’m living in a place I never thought I would be. But today is my birthday whether I like it or not and I’m going to put my big girl pants on, eat some cake, and start a new year.
