"Those positive, happy people."

I just realized something crazy. I’m probably the happiest right now that I’ve ever been — and I don’t have any of the things I want. I’m single, but I feel confident about what I feel and don’t feel. I’m getting close to 30, but I feel energetic and excited about life. I’m overworked, but I’m happy I made my own path and new opportunities are just around the corner.

I guess the reason I’m happy has less to do with what I have and more to do with the hope I have for the future. I just feel happy about who I am and what I can accomplish. I’ve never felt as comfortable with my body and my abilities as I do now. I’ve been so afraid of growing up, but I never realized how great it would be to finally reach this stage.

I spent a long time being bitter about the past. I’m better than ever because of the people who have been in my life and the experiences we’ve had together. It’s okay that those people aren’t always around now because they still helped me become the person I am today.

I bought a drifter a slice of pizza last night. It didn’t matter to me if he was just traveling for fun or if he was on drugs or whatever else. I just wanted to do a nice thing for a person. I talked to him about his lifestyle and explained how I have a similar philosophy about freedom. None of this is exceptional or life changing but it was nice and I think that’s enough. Everyone said, “that was really nice of you.” That was the point. I always say, “I wish I could be like those positive, happy people.” 

The only way to be that person is to be that person.

I’m not going to sacrifice my sarcastic personality and I’ll always struggle with depression/anxiety. I’ll have moments I’m not proud of and I’ll continue to say things I probably shouldn’t. The difference now is that I’m actively trying to be positive and happy. I’m going to be the person I want to be instead of just being disappointed in the person I have been.

Nothing

Nothing will make you feel

Quite so lonesome

As putting lotion

On your own back.

A Moveable Feast

The first time I saw Notre Dame I was confused. From the front, it’s iconic. There are few people on the planet who would not recognize it immediately. When we walked around to the back, however, I was floored. The view from the back courtyard of the cathedral was astounding. It was the most beautiful building I had ever seen.

No one ever tells you about the back of Notre Dame. I had seen 1,000 pictures of the front straight on and never even thought, “well, what does the back look like?” The amount of detail and intricacy was incredible. You could probably look at it for hours and still notice new things to admire.

In college, a friend of mine urged me to watch Midnight in Paris and after that let me borrow a copy of A Moveable Feast. After that, all I could think about was going to Paris. Some time after that I was on a flight (Lord only knows where) and struck up a conversation with a lady next to me reading a book. I asked her about the book and as we talked I found out that she was a writer. I asked her how she keeps motivated and inspired and she told me I should start a writer’s salon. She told me how Hemingway and so many other writers and artists would meet together when they all lived in Paris. They would drink and share their work and discuss.

When I graduated from college, my sister wanted to take me on a trip to celebrate. We planned two weeks in Europe covering a few different countries. I insisted we go to Paris. I had just graduated with a degree in literature. One of the most influential authors in my life has been Hemingway. He was one of the first literary greats that I read and enjoyed and felt a connection to.

Going to Paris for the first time was a pilgrimage for me, an aspiring writer, passionate about literature, reverent of the great American authors who wandered around the world before me. After strolling around the courtyard behind Notre Dame, we walked over a bridge covered in locks put there by hopeful couples to signify the permanence of their love. Then we walked for a while just to pass by an apartment Hemingway once lived in.

I could have stayed in Paris forever. Everything about it made me happy (besides not knowing the language): drinking wine on the lawn behind the Eiffel tower, eating outside in front of cafes, sandwiches on the best bread I’ve ever had, and knowing that so many of the most influential artists of all time walked the same streets and felt the same awe as I did.

Now Paris is on fire: mass shootings, terrorism, arson. Love hurts.

Florida

To be honest I ran away from Florida. I didn’t just move. I ran away because everything about Florida reminds me of the person who taught me how to love it. By the time I move back later this year, I’ll have spent a year living in New York.

I’m something of a hopeless wanderer. I always feel like I should be going somewhere new. I have stayed here for much longer than I intended, but I’ve been restless for much of it. I’ve flown home to visit or left the state for the weekend almost every month.

I’m ready to go home now. I want to continue traveling the world but I want to have a comfortable place to call home. I want to finally unpack my boxes that have been sitting in my parents garage for over 2 years. 

I want to buy a boat, an expensive cooler, a pickup truck. I want to spend days in the sun, I want to camp on islands, swim in salty water with my dog. I want to drink beer at noon— shoulders hot in the sun, toes cool in the water. I’m ready to go home.  

I found a poem a while back that expresses a similar feeling about Florida, please enjoy:

https://burrowpress.com/if-florida-was-a-man-this-is-how-id-miss-him-allie-marini/

Reflecting on Love

2/28/19

Do you ever miss your ex for the stupidest reasons? I just made a burrito for dinner and all the proportions were off. I thought to myself, “Well if Karl were here, I’d at least have tortilla chips in the house to eat the rest of this guacamole” and “If Karl were here, he would have bought the right kind of onion and cut the right amount.”

A sadder version of the same feeling: a few weeks ago I got home from the gym feeling really emotional. So as I was showering afterward I thought about how I wished I had a robe. Why didn’t I already have a robe? What did I used to use when I needed one? Then I remembered I used to use Karl’s robe when I was cold. I started crying thinking about it. I missed that robe so much in that moment that I just broke down into tears.

3/9/19

I believe it’s true what they all say, “you have to want to wake up next to that person for the rest of your life.”

Some of the happiest moments of my life were with Karl but I wouldn’t say I was generally happy with our relationship. I cried a lot back then, I had panic attacks, I was tortured by thoughts that I wasn’t good enough, that he didn’t really love me enough. It wasn’t a good relationship but I think it could have been because I really did love him.

I know I loved him because every morning when I woke up and rolled over to see his face I never once didn’t want him to be there or wished he were someone else. When I would come home from work and he’d be gone doing something fun, I would be hurt, but the next morning I was still glad to wake up next to him.

He slept on his back a lot, no pillow, just flat. Or if he was on his side I’d make out the constellations in birth marks on his back. There’s something special about memorizing the body lying next to you. There’s something sad about waking up next to a different horizon.

Winter Wisdom

Summer child,

Born under Leo stars

In the north,

Moved down south

Then further south

Only to return,

Confused. 

A sideways wood chipper?

No, a snowblower.

Kids

If you keep your mind open you will capture some wisdom from every experience you have, it just may not always be clear until time helps the picture develop. For the past year or so I’ve been watching my niece on and off, lately I’ve been watching her full time, Monday through Friday. In this case, it already seems clear to me what I should take away from this experience: My heart is bigger than I thought it was and I need to find somewhere meaningful to direct all this love.

I get emotional thinking about my niece. My heart breaks when I see her have anything but perfect interactions with other kids. I’m terrified to let her go to daycare instead of staying with me all day. I want to shelter her from the bad parts of the world and teach her everything I know. I want to give her outlets for creative expression and I don’t want anyone to push her to be anything she doesn’t want to be. I want to teach her proper manners and I want her to learn how to communicate her feelings. I want her to eat better and I want to discipline her gently and with patience. I want to put her hair up in the perfect pony tail and I want to put her hearing aid in without the battery on and not turn it on until it’s in exactly right so she doesn’t ever hear any feedback.

When I want to cry because another little girl doesn’t want to hold her hand, somewhere in the back of my mind I know that this over-protective energy is a little misdirected. I love my niece but until I started caring for her every day, I didn’t realize just how much I need kids of my own. I won’t say want because I don’t feel that way. It’s not a choice, I don’t really want the responsibility of kids and I don’t want the pressure of finding the right person to have them with. Caring for someone else is instinctual for me. When I don’t have someone to direct my love toward I get anxious, angry, and sad.

Having kids scares me, terrifies me. Wanting to have kids makes me feel even lonelier as a single person. Looking forward to having kids makes me invested in something that may not ever happen for me. But, I think it’s something I need. I think it’s something the world needs: for people who care to raise little humans who care too.

I had a dream right before Christmas that was so real that I woke up feeling all the emotions of the dream. I woke up at 4 am full of adrenaline and couldn’t fall back asleep so I texted everything in the dream to my friend and then saved screenshots of the conversation so I wouldn’t forget. The dream started out as all dreams do, a little weird and nonsensical and involving random people I used to know. Then my cousin shows up to tell me I’m late for Christmas Eve dinner. When we walked into the house I saw my great aunt and my grandmother who passed away right before Thanksgiving.

I walked in and kissed my great aunt first because I was confused about how my grandmother was there or if I was imagining it. I knew in the dream that she was not alive and it didn’t make sense for her to be there but I went to my grandmother next. As I leaned down to kiss her on the cheek she whispered into my ear, “Your daughter is beautiful.” I was so scared and confused I started hyperventilating in the dream and ran away. My mom came to me and asked, “Did she touch you?” So I told her yes and what she said. I woke up breathing heavy and scared and had to turn on the lights.

Of course I know dreams aren’t necessarily messages from God, visions of the future, or anything like that. I ate a lot of spicy food right before bed and maybe that’s why I had such a vivid dream. But I had also recently asked for a sign from my grandma. What I got wasn’t exactly what I asked for but it woke me up in more ways than one. Regardless of what caused the dream, it made the possibility of me having a family feel realer to me than it had before.