Reflecting on Love

2/28/19

Do you ever miss your ex for the stupidest reasons? I just made a burrito for dinner and all the proportions were off. I thought to myself, “Well if Karl were here, I’d at least have tortilla chips in the house to eat the rest of this guacamole” and “If Karl were here, he would have bought the right kind of onion and cut the right amount.”

A sadder version of the same feeling: a few weeks ago I got home from the gym feeling really emotional. So as I was showering afterward I thought about how I wished I had a robe. Why didn’t I already have a robe? What did I used to use when I needed one? Then I remembered I used to use Karl’s robe when I was cold. I started crying thinking about it. I missed that robe so much in that moment that I just broke down into tears.

3/9/19

I believe it’s true what they all say, “you have to want to wake up next to that person for the rest of your life.”

Some of the happiest moments of my life were with Karl but I wouldn’t say I was generally happy with our relationship. I cried a lot back then, I had panic attacks, I was tortured by thoughts that I wasn’t good enough, that he didn’t really love me enough. It wasn’t a good relationship but I think it could have been because I really did love him.

I know I loved him because every morning when I woke up and rolled over to see his face I never once didn’t want him to be there or wished he were someone else. When I would come home from work and he’d be gone doing something fun, I would be hurt, but the next morning I was still glad to wake up next to him.

He slept on his back a lot, no pillow, just flat. Or if he was on his side I’d make out the constellations in birth marks on his back. There’s something special about memorizing the body lying next to you. There’s something sad about waking up next to a different horizon.